Yesterday I had a very stressful French class. I realized just how far I have to go before I'm ready to pass my tests. When I left the building I burst into tears. But it really wasn't about the French class. It was about everything going on in my life right now.
I started thinking about my fertility issues and the fact that I might not be able to have any more children. I thought about how the one time hubby and I spoke about adoption he totally shot down the idea. Which made me think that maybe that the door to any future motherhood was slammed shut for good. This made me feel really angry. Why was life so unfair? Why is it that everyone else seems to be able to have babies so easily? How long will I have to endure the aftermath of this molar pregnancy?
And then I felt scared. I won this unfortunate lottery. What if I now end up being in the minority of people with molar pregnancies that have to undergo chemotherapy? What if I lost all my hair?
I let the tears, the anger and the fear overtake me. More than anything I needed to let it out. After work, I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill for a very long time. The only thing that would have helped me more than this would be to punch something. I really wanted to punch something. I still want to punch something....
Today I am still a ball of emotions all rolled into one.
It doesn't help that I started bleeding again (guess I spoke too soon, didn't I?). And today I had unbearable cramps again for about an hour as my uterus tried once again to rid my body of all this nastiness. To top it off, today was blood test day. It's really hard to go to work everyday and pretend that you're fine. I'm not fine. Far from it.
Is this what rock bottom feels like? I guess the only way to go from here is up.
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