Talking about it

At first I didn't want to tell anyone about my molar pregnancy. Truth be told, I was too darn sick to talk about it. But now that the D&C is out of the way and I'm feeling better, I've gradually started to tell my friends and family about it. The way I figure it, if I do end up needing further treatment, these are the people I'm going to turn to for support.

I'm glad I opened up so I don't have to go through this alone.

Hitting Rock bottom

Yesterday I had a very stressful French class. I realized just how far I have to go before I'm ready to pass my tests. When I left the building I burst into tears. But it really wasn't about the French class. It was about everything going on in my life right now.

I started thinking about my fertility issues and the fact that I might not be able to have any more children. I thought about how the one time hubby and I spoke about adoption he totally shot down the idea. Which made me think that maybe that the door to any future motherhood was slammed shut for good. This made me feel really angry. Why was life so unfair? Why is it that everyone else seems to be able to have babies so easily? How long will I have to endure the aftermath of this molar pregnancy?

And then I felt scared. I won this unfortunate lottery. What if I now end up being in the minority of people with molar pregnancies that have to undergo chemotherapy? What if I lost all my hair?

I let the tears, the anger and the fear overtake me. More than anything I needed to let it out. After work, I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill for a very long time. The only thing that would have helped me more than this would be to punch something. I really wanted to punch something. I still want to punch something....

Today I am still a ball of emotions all rolled into one.

It doesn't help that I started bleeding again (guess I spoke too soon, didn't I?). And today I had unbearable cramps again for about an hour as my uterus tried once again to rid my body of all this nastiness. To top it off, today was blood test day. It's really hard to go to work everyday and pretend that you're fine. I'm not fine. Far from it.

Is this what rock bottom feels like? I guess the only way to go from here is up.

What are the odds?

I actually have a friend who had a partial molar pregnancy last year. We work in the same building. What are the odds of two people who know each other who work in the same building having a molar pregnancy. Maybe it's something in the water.....

In other news, I think I've stopped bleeding (knock on wood). For the last couple of days it has been on again, off again. Today I had some light bleeding in the morning and then nothing. I'm crossing my fingers that this is the end! The D&C was 9 days ago, so it's about time.

Just when I thought it was over...

The bleeding halted abruptly this morning, but then decided to come back again this afternoon. And with the bleeding came pain. Lots and lots of pain.

I was walking home when the pain started clinching my uterus. For a minute I couldn't move it hurt so badly. The pain has been on and off again since then, but I think it has finally stopped. I think the pain is just my uterus trying to contract back to its original form.

If the pain continues, I'll make an appointment with my doctor. Cross your fingers for me that it's nothing to be concerned about.

Okay, the bleeding can stop now!

It has been almost a week since my D&C and I'm still bleeding. Enough already! I have been bleeding daily for more than a month now and could really use a break. 

Tomorrow I have to have some blood work done to see if my hormone levels have gone down. I'm pretty sure they have based on the fact that I don't have any nausea and my boobs aren't sore any more. Also, my uterus is definitely shrinking. These are all good signs that the surgery was a success.

I'm getting my figure back

This morning I had mild cramps -- something I was told were common after a D&C. After the cramps subsided, I noticed that my uterus looked much less pronounced. I guess the cramping was my uterus contracting back into its non-pregnant state. I take this as a good sign.

Too much information

I don't know about you, but I've found reading about molar pregnancies on the Internet downright frightening.

So not only am I not under any circumstances allowed to get pregnant again in the next 6-12 months (even though my clock is ticking and I'd really like to have another baby asap), I also have to worry about this stupid mole growing back. Or worse, it spreading to my lungs and other vital organs and becoming cancerous! I've read some of the most horrible, frightening stories on the net. What about all of the positive stories about recovery and living happily ever after?  I would love to hear some of those tales.

Day 1: After the D&C

Today I had absolutely no pain at all and only light bleeding. The only evidence at all that I've surgery is the fatigue. Every time I tried to get up and do things around the house today, I hit the wall. Hard. I guess that's my body's way of telling me to take it easy.

I'm pretty sure that tomorrow I'll be back to my old self (or pretty close, anyway).

 

My D&C experience

Welcome to my new blog!

I created this blog to document my recovery from a molar pregnancy and to discuss other fertility-related topics. It is my hope that other women will use this site as a forum to share in their experiences. If you have had a tale to tell, please feel free to leave your comments. I'll start the conversation off with some tales of my own. Over the next few weeks and months, I'll take you through some of my experiences (past and present).

What better place to start that with today, at 10 weeks into my pregnancy, when I finally had a D&C. I was supposed to have the surgery yesterday but got bumped because my case wasn't "urgent" enough. This was incredibly frustrating, given that I have been suffering since January 11 (the day I started spotting). When I first went to the doctor, the doctor thought I was fine....just a little spotting, everything would probably be fine. Just in case, he sent me for an ultrasound. When I went for my ultrasound I was told that they couldn't see a fetus. I was told I had had a miscarriage and that I had a "moderate" amount of blood and tissue left inside of me. The doctor thought that nature would take its course and no medical intervention would be needed.

The next day I went for a routine, follow-up blood test. I didn't think anything of it until the doctor called me that afternoon. He was concerned because my hormone levels had doubled. Hormone levels are supposed to go down, not up after a miscarriage. So, a week later I went back for a second ultrasound. I was hoping and praying that there was a baby with a beating heart hiding in there somewhere.  Unfortunately the diagnosis was not good. No baby. No heartbeat. Just an abnormal looking cluster of cysts. They suspected I had a molar pregnancy.

While I waited to get an appointment with a gynecologist (which took forever!) they continued to monitor my HCG levels. They kept going higher and higher, and my sense of well-being kept going lower and lower. How high is high? Believe it or not, my HCG levels were over 566,000 yesterday. A normal pregnancy would normally never go above 288,000. Can you say nausea? Holy moly I have been sick lately, particularly for the last two weeks. I have been suffering from constant fatigue and nausea. At times I was completely immobilized -- something my 4-year old son had a lot of trouble understanding. Fortunately I have a very understanding boss who has basically told me to take off as much time as I need.

When I finally saw the gynecologist, she immediately scheduled a D&C and explained the follow-up I would need to go through after the operation. In short, I will be getting regular blood tests (weekly and then monthly) to make sure my HCG return to zero. I will also need to see her regularly to monitor my recovery and make sure this mole doesn't grow back!

The D&C was scary, but relatively uneventful. The surgery only took about five minutes and then I was off to the recovery room. They administered some oxytocin during the procedure to make my uterus contract. This caused some moderate cramping, which was easily alleviated with pain medication. The drugs have now long since worn off and the pain hasn't returned (knock on wood!).

I've been bleeding quite a bit, but not enough to warrant going back to the hospital. I was told that I could expect more bleeding than normal because of the molar pregnancy.

I'm actually feeling better than I have in weeks now that the surgery is over. My appetite is back and I don't feel any nausea. Tomorrow I should be able to go back on a regular diet and be up and around the house.

Let's hope this thing doesn't grow back!